Finality of Change

In the spring of 2005 I did an internship at the State Department. Wow, it sounds so strange to say in past tense…but the quicker I deal with that reality the less emotional I’ll be about the change. Goodbyes were…strange. It’s such different relationships I share with people when “co-worker” truly sets the tone versus the relationships I have built in other settings. I am closer to the others in the office than a “co-worker” and yet not close enough for the goodbye to be un-awkward. They were all very gracious and appreciative, to the point it was downright embarrassing. On the other hand, how do you say goodbye to people with whom you’ve shared camaraderie, stress, and most of all a purpose…knowing you’ll probably never see them again? In that setting emotion seems disallowed, but lack thereof seems awkward. I know, I over-analyze. Turning in my badge and harddrives. Doing the goodbye rounds to the various offices of each co-worker. I started my day after just three hours of sleep last night, anxious I would not complete all my ongoing projects. They went smoother and faster than expected and I was able to get them all done before my computer access was shut off this evening. I returned home in a surreal mode.

Holly, who is visiting this weekend, had planned to beat me home but due to scheduling adjustments, hasn’t arrived yet. Before I left this morning, I left a note for Lisa, reminding her of Holly’s arrival and promising her to keep everything quiet so she would not feel invaded. When I came home to a sealed envelope on my bed my stomach sank. I know she’s been stressed lately, and had a feeling it was only a matter of time before it turned back on me. Evidently upset due to other things going on in her life, it came out at me in a somewhat hostile note saying she had not remembered that Holly was coming and that she felt invaded and wanted quiet this weekend. Adding emotion to emotion, I quickly cleaned the kitchen for her and wrote her a reply note apologizing and promising, again, to keep things quiet. I feel like a placating child with an angry parent.

Well, several hours of have elapsed since I last wrote—Holly arrived, needless to say, and we kept out of the house until a few minutes ago but still beat Lisa home, she arrived a few minutes ago. Blah, sorry that shadow is hanging over my time with Holly now but it is out of my control.

A very full day…more time for reflections later…