Ordered Steps...

Having accumulated a long list of things to do tonight, armed with starbucks coffee I have decided to start at the bottom of the priority list and blog. Partly because it is a “should” and not a “must” and therefore is likely to get dropped should I consider doing it a couple hours from now.

Today was my second-to-last day at the State Department. It was a rather strange day, all in all. When the alarm went off this morning, I rolled over to turn it off and considered the prospect of another 12+ hour day of alternating between the computer and meetings…I reminded myself that after today I only had to do this one more time. Comforted by that knowledge, I promptly fell back asleep and re-awakened to scramble out of bed…now late. I was scheduled to attend a meeting of the Bureau directors today to bid goodbye the “higher ups” so I had to be on time. Skipping breakfast was my worst decision of the day, but it did enable me to reach the office a few minutes early despite my late start. I trudged through the cold into the building, I kept reminding myself one more time…

I barely had time to boot up the email, and I quickly realized I was overwhelmed due to the fact that I spent all day yesterday at a conference on humanitarianism and Islam so I was a day behind in emails…which in the State Dept means a minimum of a 100 to sort through. As I attempted to make a little progress on the emails, the Ambassador came in, handing me another book to read before I leave, to incorporate into the speech I’m writing for him. The book I was already working on was 400 pages long or so and I was on page 200…so the prospect of an additional book and writing the speech made me realize it would be a late night at the office. Contemplating this, I was off to the director’s meeting…where I learned lots of fascinating information I’m not at liberty to share. That’s the one thing that sucks about all the cool info I’m privy to in this job. My goodbye and “future plans” speech prompted the head of one of the office to pull me aside to talk afterwards…I had no idea that he was even interested in Latin America, and came to find out he has taught in universities all over Latin America, including a short spurt in San Marcos in Arequipa and another at the University of Arequipa. He’s in the process of transitioning back out of the State Dept and back to higher education, so needless to say we had a lot to talk about… he even adopted a Peruvian daughter! I only wished we had realized how much interest we shared before now, but we had a good talk before I had to run to the IRF staff mtg. This being my last staff mtg, I tried not to think about that too much. It’s hard to explain but I feel funny because I keep starting to get emotional about leaving but for some reason in this professional environment that isn’t very…expected? I don’t know. I don’t understand it but I have thus far managed to avoid embarrassing myself with tears. I didn’t expect it to be hard, so it has caught me somewhat off guard. Matt has somewhat recovered from his illness and was back in the office today for the first time since returning from Vietnam, so I was glad he got back before I left and I was able to get more details on the trip and his experiences personally.

After staff meeting I threw myself into this speech for the ambassador and with minor other projects coming up, I managed to stay somewhat focused until 4pm when we had an office “Happy Hour” to celebrate my leaving. That’s the tradition in the State Dept, but, of course, it proved slightly complicating that I don’t drink really and they were a little taken aback when I explained I’d rather have juice than beer. Deborah came in for the occasion (she has still not had that baby, true to my predictions) so it was me and the pregnant lady drinking juice. Funny. Anyway, the Ambassador came, which surprised and honored me because I know how busy he is right now, and for the third time, gave a little “appreciation” speech to thank me for my work… for some reason everytime he does that I get emotional…I almost feel a bond with him as I do with the professors I am close to and even though it sounds strange, I am aware how much I will miss that. I will also miss others in the office…and I have felt very appreciated in all the discussions of and with me this past week—though I have often been surprised to hear of the conversations about me that I didn’t know about at the time and also to realize how unusual it was for me to have the opportunity to work on such high-level and demanding projects. I cannot explain it all except to say I am in awe of God’s undeserved favor.

I have so many reflections but perhaps I will hold some for later. I still have to continue work on the speech tonight. I did notice that throughout the day today the one more time turned from a comfort to a sad thought. I must say that it is surreal to me that tomorrow I will turn in my badge and classified harddrive and that door will close behind me forever. There is such finality in the way I will be “locked out” of the building. You know how I struggle with change… and this is a very different one. It was such a snapshot, such a quick season, and yet brought so many changes and opened my eyes in so many ways. As Deborah and I talked tonight, discussing her upcoming birth and reflecting on life in general, I was amazed at the love I feel for her and the hope I have that she has seen some of Christ in me. This week saw a couple very important milestone victories for religious freedom, which I cannot share at this point. Funny how the more good stuff happens the more ignorant ngos and journalists make negative write-ups in the media… and for once I am glad to be on the government side of things when true progress is made. As with every season’s closing, I am aware of the things I will not be here for in the future. Every place I ever leave, there are always upcoming events or tasks which I will not be able to participate in… and the same is true here. The work of the office will go on, there is so much exciting stuff in the future, but my role is finishing. They tease me that if I ever get arrested in working overseas, I should use my one phone-call to reach them so they can help. I responded that I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for their actions to get clearance from the rest of the building. As I type that it occurs to me that despite all I have shared of my work here, you may not “get” the joke of what I say. Like so many “inside” jokes at State, it is sad to me that I finally feel like an insider, and now I am leaving. I’ve noticed another transition. When I came, it was to do an internship. When I arrived, I was an intern. Within just a couple weeks I was striving to completely drop that title and the stigma of novice attached to it. Asked about my work and position, I avoided mentioning the detail that it was an internship, because I took ownership of the work of the IRF office and my role in it. Of course, I always hate demeaning titles anyway… but it is funny to reflect on how I was once proud to be an intern and then finally came to resent the attachment of that title to my name. It is gratifying, of course, to hear co-worker after co-worker tell me that I have done the work of a foreign service officer and not that of an intern… I don’t think I came with expectations of being given equal work, but on the other hand, I think I underestimated how easy it would be to figure out the way the office worked and fit right in… I am left wondering, well, if I had done “intern” work, what would that have been? It matters not, I guess. I did what I was asked to do, I loved it, I learned so much… and wow, I just got to page three of this blog so I better stop. In fact, I just remembered I need to write thank you letters and should do that while I’m in a writing mood. Wait, I also have to write a speech and a school assignment tonight. I guess all my work is writing.
one more time...

Final random find of the day—shared by fellow IRFer Phil: Translation Tool